Kan Was An Ordinary Shy Guy
by KaptainKovee
Summary: I'm not sure what you're expecting to see here. He's just an ordinary Shy Guy. Look away. There is no description. Yes, that's right, skim right over it. He's completely regular. There's nothing abnormal about him whatsoever. He's about as plain as a Shy Guy can get. Utterly normal. Don't believe me? Just ask the enchanted ship possessed by the immortal soul of a pirate.


Chapter one: Ordinary

Kan was a simple Shy Guy. Oh, yes, very normal. There was nothing remarkable about Kan. No, indeed, he was as unremarkable as a can. Can a can be remarkable? Well, Kan can, thought Kan. But only Kan thought that Kan could. At least, as far as Kan knew.

However, as an unremarkable Shy Guy, what could that imply about Kan? Well, clearly, what is it that ordinary Shy Guys are inclined to do? Most Shy Guys are found to be bandits and crooks. And, as one of the many, Kan fell into that very same category, as there was nothing at all remarkable about Kan.

Kan was a crook who had his little shy eyes on the bigger shy prize. The other Shy Guys couldn't compare, much to Kan's shy surprise. A large diamond, a levitating blue jewel resonating with powerful magic, on the pedestal to be glorified in the Toad's great museum. Nobody really knew what the thing did, but everyone knew that it looked pretty. And they knew it looked new, which was no news in the Toad's news. In fact, the electric blue diamond got front headlines on the newspaper three days in a row.

"Toadburg's Blue Diamond! Still Blue and Still a Diamond!" This headline got the attention of Shy Guys for all three of those days. All of the others were plain, ordinary and none of them specially trained in any way. But Kan! Kan was different! But only in that he was the 694th Shy Guy to attempt to steal this diamond, as opposed to the 693rd!

"You know what they say," Kan thought to himself, "694th time's the charm."

The Shy Guy adjusted his belt, puffed out his little chest, then marched towards the museum, straight out of the door of his hut. The hut in itself was unremarkable, like him. A small square with a window, a front garden, and of course, a flag with his mask on it sticking out of the roof. Very simple, as any other Shy Guy would have.

It was only after the first few steps that Kan realized he had no idea how to get to the museum. But he would find a way! Even if he was an absolutely boring Shy Guy, it would only take the brains of an ordinary person to figure out something as ordinary as this museum.

Kan strolled his way on his stump legs to the town of Toads. Red Toads, blue Toads, yellow Toads and orange Toads were walking to and fro; colors of all sorts were effectively everywhere. Other creatures were also there. Koopas who'd turned away from Bowser's authority were strolling about on the busy streets, so were a few Bob-ombs. Kan was more inclined to trust these creatures, rather than the regular Toads.

Kan tracked down the nearest Bob-omb that he could find, just a regular, black, sentient explosive making his way through life. He stopped the Bob-omb in his tracks. "Excuse me! Do you know where the museum is?"

"No, not particularly. My interests lay elsewhere. I want to be a pirate! BOMB! It's always been my dream to be a part of the cannon fighters. BOMB BOMB!"

"But the museum!"

"But pirates!"

It was at this moment that Kan realized this Bob-omb actually did have the intelligence of a sentient explosive. He decided to end the conversation here. "I hope that you become a pirate someday! I just know you'll be an eruption of heroism!"

"Of course, it'll be a real blast! I'll see you later!"

Kan made a note to self: Never speak with Bob-ombs again. Thankfully, a nearby Koopa was coming his way. What a coincidence. Hopefully this man would have a little more concentration time than the Bob-omb. Kan greeted him with a wave. "H... Hello."

The Koopa looked to Kan. Kan was amazed. He didn't think that this would work so smoothly.

"Oh hey there, guy! You looking for the museum? Everyone is recently. They really like that big ol' jewel."

"Oh! So, you're telling me that I'm not out of the ordinary for wanting to see the museum?" Kan began to rub his tiny stub hands together, menacingly. "Excellent..."

The green shelled compadre pointed off to a large building in the distance. It was wide and proud, and it looked like it was carved entirely out of stone. "See that palace-looking place over yonder? Yeah, that's where you wanna go. Check it out, man! You'll seriously love the way the artists mask their paintings."

The Shy Guy couldn't help feeling the slightest bit self-conscious when he said 'mask.' "Wow! Sounds... relatable!"

The Koopa glanced Kan over several times, as though analyzing him, then analyzing his analysis, which was then further analyzed analytically. "Say, you don't have anything planned, do you?"

Kan could feel himself starting to sweat. "Plans? What plans? I don't have any plans. Not at all. No plans here. I couldn't have less of a plan. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I've always been a scatter-brained clutz ever since I was a child. A wee little Guy, confused in the way of his life without any plans. I don't have any plans at all. Nope."

The Koopa looked at him.

Kan stood stiff.

The Koopa looked at him a little closer.

Kan was getting uncomfortable.

The Koopa leaned in painfully close and violently sniffed.

Kan didn't know what was going on anymore.

"Okay! Just being sure! I believe you, totally! By the way, my name's Rok! Nice to meet you!"

Kan was sweating still. He wiped some of the nervous residue away from his forehead. "Right. And you as well. Very open of you, might I add, haha..."

"Yeah, thanks! I actually used to be reclusive, so I'm working on getting out of my shell!"

"That's wonderful, Rok, I'm sure that you'll really toss the competition right out of the ocean!"

As Kan approached the tall, stone building, he couldn't help but feel smaller by comparison as he approached it. Things do look smaller when they're further away, and much bigger when they're closer up. Kan started to wonder something. If he felt increasingly shrunk with every step he took as he approached the building, was he actually making any real progress? After all, the smaller he was, the less distance he would be making. If he was half the size, he would be going half the distance. And the more he shrunk, the less distance he would be making. In Shy Guy's little brain, which seemed to be getting smaller in comparison to the brain that was ten steps behind, he could take as many steps as he wanted. But he would always be at least one step away.

Thankfully, this was just a mathematical hypothesis. And the real Kan was actually close by. Yes, this was not some ridiculous equation. This was a little Shy Guy's little shy life. And goodness, he was going to live it.

Kan made his way into the museum. There were many artifacts and paintings to be found within, crafted by the finest artisans that the community had to offer. So, effectively, a Goomba painting something in their mother's basement. It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

Kan knew that this was his time to act. He scurried silently through the museum. The quiet little Shy Guy just knew that he was the stealthiest of them all. Some Toads thought he looked kind of odd to see a small Shy Guy dodging around on his equally small stub legs. Cleary they couldn't see genius when it was there.

He tiptoed to the edge of a wall. Fiendishly. Looking past the corner, Kan saw the purpose of his existence. At least, the purpose that had defined it for the past three days. The blue jewel of legend. The object that would give him more money than he could ever hope to spend, and more recognition than any other Shy Guy before him.

"HI. Hello!"

By the stars, it was a Toad. Museum Toad, to be specific. Yes, they're all very unique to each other. It's not like they all talk in that same, loud, annoying voice that everyone hated. It clearly mattered so much what title they had, because that gave them all the defining characteristics they needed.

"Oh. Hello, Museum Toad. Funny seeing you here. I was just standing harmlessly in this corner. What were you doing?"

"I was watching you! I can't help but wonder why you were standing there! Doesn't seem too harmless to me!"

Kan shifted his gaze to the side, because it was a very Kan thing to do. "Oh? And why would that be? I didn't take you to be a detective, Museum Toad."

Museum Toad leaned in.

Kan had the worst sense of deja vu.

Thankfully, Museum Toad did not decide to violently sniff. No, he did something which was even worse. He maintained eye contact, and simply stared at Kan.

Kan was waiting for Museum Toad to answer his question.

Museum Toad did not answer his question. He simply stood there. Staring at him. For a very long time.

Kan stared back.

They gazed into each other's eyes for a moment. Kan wasn't sure what type of feelings he got when he gazed into the speculating eyes of the Toad. Did he want a kiss? A cookie? The keys to his car? By god, this was awkward.

Kan was beginning to wonder when this would end.

Kan broke the silence. "Why wouldn't my skulking be-"

"I've got my eyes on you, Mr. Guy... Come near this diamond jewel of sparkilness, and I'll have the guards come and haul you outta here! Understand?"

"Of course! I wasn't planning on stealing anything whatsoever. Please, you have no reason to keep such a sharp eye on a harmless little Guy like me. I promise."

The Museum Toad stared at him for a bit longer. At last, he broke eye contact and simply walked away. Kan couldn't help but feel a tad bit self-conscious, considering that this was the second time something like this had happened to him today. He didn't know whether to feel vulnerable or attractive.

Now that he was alone, Kan stared at the jewel. Honestly, he wasn't exactly certain how he was going to get out of here with it. Truth be told, he never thought he'd get this far. He wouldn't be able to just walk out with it, which had been his plan all along if he was honest. Kan wasn't the cleverest of them all. No, sir, he was as plain as the rest of them.

Thankfully, he was confident in his hoodie's ability to defy the laws of physics and space. He would simply stuff the massive thing in his pocket. Yes. That's what he would do. It was perfect. A fool-proof plan.

The Shy Guy took off his belt from around his hoodie (truly an exquisite choice of fashion) and spun it around like a lassal. His plan: whip it towards the jewel, pull back, and claim it as his own. What a shame it was that nothing like that happened.

He shot it toward the jewel and missed entirely. Oh dear. It hit a painting instead. Somehow it was deflected from the painting, bouncing off to an expensive looking sculpture of Princess Daisy. Kan gasped, fearing the worst. It merely bounced off the sculpture, towards an even fancier recreation of the world-famous painting, the Mona Pizza. Kan covered his eyes, drenched in his own sweat as tension filled his body. It went right past the painting, and instead found itself wrapped around a pinkish white pearl the size of a bowling ball. Kan uncovered his eyes, realizing what had just happened. For a moment, he was surprised that nothing had gone wrong. Huh. What a relief.

This wasn't exactly the legendary item that everyone had been after this whole time, but it would do. He pulled the item towards him. Sadly, he did not account for all the priceless items in between him and the object. He knocked over a fancy steel armor set, which then calmly fell over sideways. It smacked into a sculpture of Toadsworth. Then into the first and largest lollipop to ever reach 200 years old, standing at 7 feet tall. Or, now falling at 7 feet tall. Numerous other miscellaneous items fell over like a dominos effect, which created a cacophony of clanging and banging for all the world to hear.

Kan was about to scream and cry. The pearl fell into his hands from his belt.

Well, at least nobody was here to witness any of that.

"Oh my God!" screamed a familiar toad. "Oh boy! Oh golly! Oh gee!"

Kan turned around to see the Toad, still holding the pearl in his hands while the museum rested in mostly ruins. He was sweating. Everything was broken except for the massive gem he was after in the first place. Of course. He held the pearl behind his back. "This isn't what it looks like."

"This is exactly what it looks like, Guy! I know what's going on here!"

Kan held his breath.

"You left your belt undone and then you tripped and fell, causing this whole mess! I told them they shouldn't have put all those fancy things together like that in a row, it's a recipe for disaster!"

Honestly the lucky little Shy Guy couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Oh. I mean. Yeah. Haha. Clumsy me. Whoops."

"Fucking CHRIST!" exclaimed the Toad in his shrill Toad voice. "You carry along now, Guy, while the rest of us Toads clean up this mess. We're sorry for your inconvenience! Come again!"

The Shy Guy walked away with his pearl. Something had actually gone right for him today. Wow. That was entirely unexpected, if he was honest. Kan quickly scurried back to his little hut, his legs darting around like Sonic. The mere thought of Sonic was making him hungry. It was his favorite drive thru food joint after all.

Once he was back home, he slammed the door and pressed his back against it. He had no idea how on earth someone as plain and ordinary as him could have managed to walk away with such a humungus score. He'd actually stolen something from the museum. Certainly it wasn't what he was after, but it was something. "Wrow," he uttered quietly.

Wrow was right.

He held the pearl, and examined it closely. He rubbed his hands on it, polishing it to make sure it was in perfect shape. He gazed at it. The little Shy Guy could see his mask in the reflection of the orb, misshapen as though looking into a spoon. It was so sparkly and pristine. Amazing.

At once his reflection turned into that of a living, cackling skeleton wearing a pirate's hat. "YAHR MATEY!"

Kan quickly dropped it, recoiling as it rolled across the wooden floor. The gross cackling continued on until it hit the edge of his bed. "I can see ye stole back me secret treasure! Iffin' yer prepared to swipe something so precious to me, ye must be a master! A well trained thief! Come to the nearest docks tonight, and bring every ounce of skill ye have with ye! I have a proposition for ye! One ye can't refuse!" The pearl continued to cackle like a brute. The noise dwindled further, and further, until it eventually fell silent.

Kan just stared at the pearl, trying to understand what the nature of what funky fresh enchantment was going on. "...I beg your pardon?"


End file.
